Bad Bunny isn’t from The United States of America

Even after the Super Bowl this past weekend, I still can’t believe we’re having this debate. Bad Bunny, sometimes known as Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio, was born in Bayamón, Puerto Rico. He wasn’t born in any of the 50 States. English isn’t his first language. He’s not able to vote for President. Why does anyone think he’s from the United States of America?

Before I even get into it, let’s ask why we’re even defending this man. This man is so infamous for wearing dresses and rainbows that several people genuinely thought he was going to wear a dress to the Super Bowl. This is his first time headlining the Super Bowl halftime show, and people thought he was going to twerk on stage and kiss men. Made poor Peter Thiel tune in for nothing. If you don’t get it, look up Peter Thiel and his love life later. The point is, Bad Bunny never said he was going to do any of that. So why would people think that? Oh, because he has worn dresses and kissed men in the past.

That’s right. People are right about Bad Bunny. He’s a horrible influence on children. Children should not be exposed to men wearing dresses, kissing other men, or wearing rainbows. He needs to go back to being his manly self and give children a real role model in this country. When he was rapping gangster rap about killing people and fucking women. This dude would rap about drugs, but now he’s a horrible influence. Because, like anyone else with a name, he took a side when it comes to movements and politics.

I want people to think about it this way. This guy, who people think has all these “homosexual” themes, has a song rapping about how many girlfriends he has. The fact that he kissed a man was to piss people off, and it worked. Congratulations, you fell for the ragebait. He’s not part of the toxic masculinity culture, and honestly, a man who can kiss a man and still go on singing about how many girlfriends he has is someone who knows beyond a doubt that he’s straight. I know I talk about pissing the libs off, but I think this time we pissed the cons off.

And now the appointed rival, Kid Rock. He is from the United States of America. Romero, Michigan. When you search him up on Google as of February 9th, the top results are how his show did against Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl performance. He actually did really well when you consider how many people had to go completely out of their way to watch his show. It was still less than a tenth of Bad Bunny’s viewership, but still something. But then again, Kid Rock is really known for doing the impossible. He sang about how he likes his young ladies underage, see? Oh, wait, you probably want more context. It was a kids’ cartoon called Osmosis Jones. And while I understand the song was made for a character, I still think it passed by too many people too easily. Kid Rock, who voiced it, and anyone else around him, should have asked a lot more questions. “He was a bacterium causing pimples!” WHAT THE HELL DID YOU MEAN BY STATUTORY THEN?! The lyrics could have been about teenagers or something, and it would have made sense and come off a lot less creepy. Luckily, he didn’t tell people not to wait for 14-year-olds to turn 18 or anything, while talking about “If there’s grass on the field, play ball.” That wouldn’t be a very Christian, pro-life, American family ideal, of him, would it? No, but seriously, we got rid of cancel culture so people like this can pretend to headline a Super Bowl?

Anyway, oh yeah, Bad Bunny is a horrible influence. What did he do again? Remind everyone that people in South, Central, and North America are still considered Americans and that United States Americans need to back off on calling people un-American? Give his Grammy away to a toddler? Host a wedding in the Super Bowl? Get to dance with Lady Gaga? Not speak a single full sentence in English aside from “God Bless America”? Wait, was it… Stand up against ICE and the President? Yeah, I can see how that’s worse. I mean, I guess the question is, why is he saying anything about our President, right? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to go talk about his own President? Leave ours alone? Oh, that’s right. His President is currently President Donald J. Trump.

So why is Bad Bunny so angry about the state of the country? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is subject to the laws of the United States of America and isn’t even able to vote for the President, is it? Oh, that’s right libs, he really isn’t a United States Citizen the way you give him credit for. That wasn’t a joke. The dude isn’t from the United States. He’s from a territory that belongs to the United States of America. But his birth island isn’t even fully protected by our Constitution. Instead, they’re under federal law and whatever other laws they want to make over there. But they’re an unincorporated territory. They join our military, use our dollar, get impacted by our laws, pay federal payroll taxes, and in return, they get to be forgotten. And it’s probably for the best, because unlike the majority of the United States, they have paid maternity leave.

Bad Bunny might be a citizen when it comes to being able to travel, having federal laws applied, and having Constitutional Rights. Bad Bunny is allowed to have a gun just as much as anyone else. But he has no real representation here in the United States of America. He’s not able to vote for the President. And they’re stuck having to choose between being America’s 51st State or remaining a Commonwealth because being an Independent Country is far from an option. And just so you know, most Puerto Ricans who vote or do surveys want Statehood. And if you look it up, it honestly seems like Congress doesn’t want them to become a State because do you know how hard it is to design a flag with 51 Stars? I’m joking, it’s because then Puerto Ricans are going to be able to represent themselves.

Okay, this is going to be really tricky, but let’s see if I can Gen Z Text-to-Yah this. Congress is like your legal frat house. Imagine a bunch of dudes and maybe a few girls who are all just there deciding what should and shouldn’t happen. Literally, someone will put out a piece of paper, and then some people who are totally not drunk old people are going to be like “Yo! Did you put out this piece of paper?! You know we gotta support the homies no matter what!” And then they sign yes on that paper, most likely without reading it. And then there’s another group of people in the frat house who aren’t as chill with that group of people, and they’re like “Dude? I still can’t forgive you for dating my sister. I’m not voting for anything you do ever. I don’t care.” Then sign no on paper, also without reading it. And then sometimes the Government shuts down. But sometimes, there are enough people in one group to say, “Yo, I said we're supporting the homies all the way. Here’s some money for your crew if they vote for us.” And the other side is like “No, I’m not taking that money.” But then one of their homeboys did take the money. Creates drama every time. Anyway, birds and bees later, a law is made, and in about 9 months, maybe someone might enforce that law. We’re about to get to the second trimester of the Epstein Transparency Act. #6MonthsToGo!

Okay, so now we know how Congress works. Kind of. The more important thing you need to know is that our law says we will have 535 people in Congress. This is because our Constitution says two Senators from each state, and at least one representative, and then the rest of the representatives are locked in at 435 for the maximum number of representatives the country can have. Following me? If Puerto Rico became a state, it would have two senators and at least one representative. Keep in mind that right now they have a representative, but that representative can’t vote. This representative, if they became a state, would be able to vote. Not only that, but Puerto Rico wouldn’t be our smallest state; in fact, it’s more populated than Arkansas, which has 4 representatives. Congress didn’t even change the 435 cap for Hawai’i. Would they change it for Puerto Rico? If they don’t, they’d still have 5-6 votes in every bill, election, etc. They don’t want to share that power. Puerto Rico became a territory only five years after Hawai’i did, and Puerto Rico has more people. Okay, but wait. Did Hawai’i have an easier time because it had only 2 representatives as opposed to 4? There is a lot of history of what happened to Hawai’i that is too much for this type of article.

And I don’t want you to think that this is only Puerto Rico. It’s every territory that we control and don’t do anything with. American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, the Northern Mariana Islands, and our second biggest territory, Guam. They all share the same President as us, but they don’t have any real right to vote. They are affected by our federal laws and everything our President and Congress do, but they don’t even get to vote for who their President is. So it’s really hard to say that they’re a democracy. They’re not. If you couldn’t vote, you’d feel like it was a dictatorship, maybe fascism at best. What it could actually be described as, if you live in one of these territories, is an Oligarchy. There’s already debate if you can consider the United States itself an Oligarchy, but these people are literally having people who probably don’t even know they exist, vote on their behalf. We are their group of people, or their Oligarchs. We make decisions without even considering the people in these territories and give them no representation to speak for themselves.

The other end of it, at least for the smaller territories, is that if we give them 2 Senators and a representative, they overrepresent themselves. 12 people to represent 4 territories that have a smaller population total than D.C., even when put together, would be crazy. But giving them absolutely no representation at all is crazier to me. I think Puerto Rico should be a state. Change our damn flag to something we don’t have to constantly update, and we might be more willing to make more states in the future. You’re telling me if we do end up with Greenland, it’s just going to be another territory? The other 4 should have at least one voting representative each; if not, they should have their own senator. We can’t call ourselves a democracy if not every citizen can vote. They’re not felons; they didn’t give up their rights. We just never gave them voting rights.

So let’s look at Bad Bunny again. Don’t think he has the right to be angry and to speak up? He relies on you to vote for his President and you’re mad when he says something bad about a person he didn’t get to personally vote for. He’s not an immigrant. He can fight for the United States of America in our military, run for President, and travel between Puerto Rico, Guam, and New York all without a passport. We need to change that so our boy Playboy model can be like any other lib, wondering when these cons are gonna release the files.

Also, before I close this article. This has been something that I have been wondering about for a while. Puerto Rico is a United States territory. Spanish is the second most spoken language in the United States. Why isn’t Puerto Rican Spanish the standard in our schools? I understand there are more Mexican Spanish Speakers, but Puerto Rico has been part of our country for over a century. I just figured somewhere in all of our internalized racism as a country, and picking teams, we’d pick our own Latinos over another country’s? I guess it’s just food for thought. Personally, I still believe in All Americas. And I’m glad Bad Bunny represents All Americans.

¡Muchísimas gracias por leer! ¡Que tengas un día hermoso! -PLROD!